How To Traumatize Your Children...Mother's Day Laughs

I think we've all wondered if our parents, especially our mothers took a course or read a book. I've found myself using similar catch phrase that all mothers seem to know:

• Your toys will not pick themselves up. If you don't want to take care of them, I can put them in the trash so you won't have to.
• I will NOT ask you again...
• Because I said so...
• What did Mommy just say?
• Just take one bite and then you can tell me you don't like it...
• You WILL listen to me the FIRST time.
• Do YOU understand ME?
• I'm doing this because I love you.

Didn't we all say we wouldn't be like our mothers? Most of us won't be exactly like our mothers. My mom and I are like night and day and we live in different states, but every once and a while, I find myself using or about to use a phrase that she used. The funny thing is I hear other mothers in Target and McDonald's using MY mom's phrases. They don't know her, how do they know her phrases?

I have the answer, they have in fact taken a course or read a book. Here is THAT book:

My friend Jennifer is getting married this year and received this book as a gift. We laughed out loud as we read page after page of this funny little book and imagined applying it right away to our children. Jennifer's stepchildren are teenagers and with Reese and Aidan being toddlers, it all seemed hilarious at any age.  Here's a few selections from the book:

"As a parent selfishness is your right. Lies are to be used in order to exploit and manipulate children, which is great practice for the exploitation and manipulation you no doubt practice in the outside world."


"Children like to be the center of attention, but this draws the spotlight away from you. Your child should never be better looking, smarter, or more successful than you. The moment they begin to shine in a way that threatens your stardom, shoot them down. For example, when you play sports or cards, play to win, even if it involves cheating. Anything they can do, you can do better."


"Happiness is defined as the gap between expectation and reality."


"Love is for Winners: Your child IS his achievements. If your child believes you will love him no matter what, even if he is a failure, you're doing something wrong."

Could this book be any more ridiculous and hysterical all at the same time? Obviously this is just for laughs, but I wish I had this book in my library.

This post is dedicated to my mom, my mother-in-law, my aunts, my sister, my sister-in-law, and all my mom friends. I love you all and I know "you do what you do, because you love me." Happy Mother's Day!